Money, Source & Time
Some believe, including me sometimes, that there is conscious, omnipresent and/or all-encompassing force; a source power, a will, some might even call it divine or godly, that (still) plays a role in processes, such as creation, reception, connecting, governing processes, including making sure (mutual) dreams come true and/or needs are met and provided. Something that is receptive to our intentions, wishes, prayers, needs, desires and/or deepest dreams and does not inhibit a human body or an animal form. It is said and believed by some that it has been there since or before creation. Akasha, ether, anahata are sometimes seen as aspects of it.
This is important, as if this is the case, it would mean that being alive or being in favor or being aware or being able to tap in into this force or power, allows us a (karmic, reflective) benefit that grands us the ability, power or capacity to get things the way we want, need and/or or have always dreamt them to be, for ourselves and for our tribe, family, whether already present or still out there to be found and to be connected with. Why am I saying this? Well, because I’ve spent the first 31 ish years of my life learning, experiencing a lot, doing my best to feed different curiosities and aspects of understanding, knowledge and life, doing my best to serve the whole by voluntarily sharing and teaching the things I had come to know, believe, sense and/or understand, while working on my dreams. I believed this was important, still do, as coming from a very scientific background of Engineering at University, I had bumped into some very new experiences that could be titled metaphysical, spiritual and/or non-scientific. Sharing my ideas would serve human understanding and help the collective, my world and us humans to remain and/or move in and towards a society and togetherness consisting of more (absolute) or agreeable correctness, truth, flow and harmony.
Some also think this divine force, is the targetting, blaming, granting; the direction, intensity and allowance of all the wills of life, including people and animals, death or alive, combined, and that thus the thing we sometimes call grace, luck, a miracle, the divine or god is basically a sum total of all the spirits, will and wants to ever to walk, crawl or fly on, in and beyond this world.
Many people believe money to be at the root of power (or negativity (or evil)), but if this governing divine force, at the core, beginning, present and source of creation and receptivity has more influence on our life, and thus more power in and over our experience, than money, which I don’t think to be true anymore, to a certain extent, becomes less important to our levels of wholeness, power and thus the capacity to hold on to our (shared) image of ideal self-actualization. I’m thinking of super rich people, unknown or celebrities, who go through hell during a divorce even with all the financial resources. I felt horrible with huge amounts of money, powerless in too many options and not enough people to make them with, I have felt blissfully happy and free with just enough money, or not having to (temporarily) think about it too much.
Is it possible (wanted & allowed) for me or people to write something (rightly, a truth) and re-reading it as equally right and true without its marital (or sexual) status having changed?
So I think it’s an important question, is there a divine force governing our life that is omnipresent in our life and/or lives, apart from lifeforms such as the divine spark or force in animals, humans and even utopian, hellish and/or human architecture?
When thinking of time, money and the capacity to self-actualize and survive, am I or are you or we mistaking what's probable to happen with what's potentially going to happen?
Do you, can you find the bravery and the courage in yourself and eachother to hold on to trust, eachother, work, sanity, service and life?
Or is it the animal, existing long before human, such as the Spartan salmon, the unmissable cozy prideless pig, or the Pre-Historic nearly flying chicken, that truly is our divine guide that show us the (best) path of safety, exchange, connectivity, wholeness and enoughness?
Does coming up, writing, finishing and sharing a song, give you some kind of metaphysical advantage, karmic benefit and/or ‘indescribable adjective’ and/or (meta)physical patent towards ones’ family in comparison to allies and/or unknown people (and their potentially hostile families, even if it’s only 1-10)? Or once it’s shared and spread through culture everyone can benefit from it equally?
What about incepting?
Why may, can and/or does my fear sound like some sort of (good) mob boss (on a torture table (not from 1984))? What would the Godfather (4) ((potentially) without enemies) sound like extracted in pure sound (in (and towards (good (paranoidless, i.e. zonder (overdreven) paranoïa)) retrospect)? Do I have to move to Costa Rica (permanently) in order to benefit optimally financially from what I’ve made, or will I die on either of the planes? Or kept hostage the second I arrive? Or was that just a ‘joke’ that will make everyone more extremely jealous, mad and furious? Sparta then? As Xerxes or Leonidas?I JUST NEEDED AND/OR WANTED TO MAKE A SONG (HELP) (!).
Inspiration, Influencing & (Over-)Vocation
As a child, I must admit myself, She, and I, was at times, as most or many, extremely beautiful, irresistable and angelic acting and looking, assumingly inspiring many people (who didn’t have) children to do their best in work and life. This, as an (aspiring) artist, father, friend, human, musician and influencer, makes me wonder; can or may or should one at a certain point stop working or inspiring or influencing. Is there a point where one has done enough in life? A point where being is more valuable than willing, working, speaking, to vocalize or to practice a vocation? Can I (still) be labled as too arrogant, ego-centric, ego(minus)centric and/or (a) dikke nek(k)(e)? Can being passive or doing nothing be more wanted, needed, important and urgent than trying, doing and/or working? Or is this state a result of simply being more stoned and/or hated than loved? What is the relation between being stoned, becoming stoned through elders and/or ‘Americans’, Rock Music, een steenster and/or gestendigd voelen? Is that correlation (still) relevant?
192K Hz, (Hellish) Supremacy & (No) Dither(ing)
Is it sometimes said, believed and/thus true, even if it’s only or temporarily in a persons’ or in peoples’ imagination and thus indiviual dream, that life consists of ‘one’ omnipresent, collective and/or all-encompassing ‘mind’ or frequential sphere or whole made up of energy, frequency and vibration, such as for example I sometimes have come to believe or experience, while also stated by innovative pioneers such as Alex Grey or Nikola Tesla. Also scientists, for example stated that life is frequency, and that the totality of different streams of energy or frequency make up the totality of human and artificial life. Is it for example said that auditive light, the world we perceive through the sense of hearing, is made up of frequencies with a frequency between 0-30 to 20.000 Hz, or vibrations per second. This become tricky, as then we also have to define time, but the main takeaway point is that there are certain densities of energy, information or, as sometimes called in esoteric, metaphysical or religious streams ‘divine or intellectual’ light, or ‘Love’.
We have obviously also visible light, think of color or a rainbow and the different hues, colors and frequencies that make up Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo & Violet, of which red is assumed to be the densest, sometimes compared, concluded or symbolized as matter, i.e. Rock, Table, Wood, Flesh. We have invisble frequencies, such as UV, Microwave and signals such as Wifi, which also have, although invisble, tangible effects on our individual and collective lives; although we can’t see microwaves, we do see that it has the capacity to change actual things and masses, such as for example the food we heat, the chickens we eat and/or the people we (over)fuck(ed).
What are the highest frequencies? Is there a hierarchy (in love or power, for example) or is truly all (absolutely) equal (in the end)? How do we reach these summits of supremacy, harmony, equality in frequency, love and/or power (without remaining (hellishly) singular, supreme and/or alone forever)? Are these the original, divine or oldest frequencies, the most core, true and ‘godly’ ones?
The reason I’m asking this, because when musicians mix music, their EQ or tools often reach the capacity of human (auditive (versus e.g. intuitive) hearing, which is stated or accepted between 0 & 20K Hz, but in the DAW I use, you can choose to export a song, or a file filled with information, human will and sentience, at frequencies up until 192000 Hz, which is assumed to be a frequency that is present (?) but inaudible? Would that then mean that we can code or create life with frequencies, in this case up until 192.000 or 176.400 Hz, that are thus not audible but still present (at a higher, more centralized, deeper (or more heavenly/normal/hellish), maybe appearing at a more absolute or future time?
To what degree can song be (invisibly) incepted, shaped, mixed, exported and/or metaphysically altered by Love, the Divine, the Collective (think 88200 Hz - 80 % - 96% 176400 Hz - 192000 Hz 100% (High(est), Dense, Alone. Hell (or Heaven)). To what degree is making music still good for and towards us (and you)?
Its almost like we have the choice to choose the depth or level of supremacy (100% Supreme @ 192.000 hz, or 176.000; the second Tier, Dimension or Field below the Supreme or Final ‘Level’ or for example the (sometimes agreed upon) Industry ‘Standard’ @ 44100 Hz and then have it sipling, dripping and/or incepting in from below, above and/or beyond.
Food for thought, as deep, complex and nuanced topics are being explained, wondered, incepted, invented and/or pondered here. Not sure if they can’t be known, but can, may and must we hate the base? What if there’s no community or person advanced enough for me to every truly feel connected again? Is there such a thing as a temporarily tranquil (temporal) bass (and/or bass)? CAN I JUST HAVE AN INCOME OR A CHILD PLEASE! I’m TIRED OF BEING ONE, as in connected to it all alonely. I do know we all need work, or at least need to function, and children in order to be relatively happy, SO YEAH THANKS LIFE!
Someone just said that ‘creativity is what happens when your trauma stops cockblocking (y)our aura’ by the way. To what degree is the opposite true? Does the average of both answers (still) form a problem? P.S.: Am I and/or are we allowed (yet) to stop killing people, both actually as psychosomatically!?
Family, Nature, Culture and Music
I wonder, as I’m as a solo musician sometimes struggling with subjects as ‘supremacy, (aiming for) best versus good enough, but mainly not being able to judge, love and/or hear myself. For example, yesterday I took a random song which I though was good (enough), and when I sped it up it sounded like a gay/girly/younger version of myself, which was hard to accept or be proud of, while slowing it down just a bit or lowering it with one semitone, made me sound like a ‘more black or negro’ version of myself, which is (or seems) shameful, strange or just off because it sounds fake, over the top and/or just not me. The main problem is that I (guess i?) I can’t finish or accept songs because I always misjudge or mishear or misbelief myself. So I wonder, having made the ‘4 Albums’: (for reasons of curiosity, having the time and space to actually try, of self-esteem, self-love and self-worth etc) ust try to beat or match the Weeknd in the way he was at that time, and still, ‘at the top’ and the way he started his musical carreer, eventhough my attempt or bundle of work is, as described as above, not fully exported yet, and I’m as I know, although alone in the process, actually a lot older (31) than the Weeknd when he (chose to) release it (19ish).
Technicality & More
What are the PCM (File Type, Code PCM, Bit Depth, Dither Options, Buffer Size) and Sample Rate and File Type (FLAC, WAV, MP3, AIFF) and Convert to Mono and Normalize (Export) functions in Ableton really?
Can I (and we) become (forever and/or blindly) submitted' to our (musical) 'Master' tracks and/or exports?
What are the benefits and downsides, the optimal times and locations and sequantial order, of exporting and uploading music? To what degree is choosing a specific (listening and/or exporting) frequency (e.g. 22050 Hz - 192000 Hz)
Is it possible that I only hear the ‘S’ harsh, in the final or current mix, as often producers know this to be a common phenomenon prevented by tools titled ‘de-Essers’, because La ‘S’, is not well or in harmony or at her level of Supremacy? Don’t I hear my snares properly ‘cause I’m too ensnared? Are my kicks not allowed ‘cause I’ve kicked too many in the past? Can’t my cymbals or crashes come true ‘cause I’ve crashed to many times to be normal or some form of norm? Have I played too many solo, forcing me to remain solo (for good)? Are my productions too tight and straight, forcing me to (temporarily) remain only in love with myself like a Narcissist? Zit ik te vast amusically to sense the vastness in my music?
Is it possible that musicians who were forced or have chosen to share music (independently) that is too genderless or sexy (sounding), can’t have ‘more externalized sex’ in the form of children?
Is it so that, doesn’t matter how well the lyrics are shared, recorded or intented, they ultimately always backfire because language is potentially dual, ambiguous or never more complete than (silent, fertile or sexy) life? For example: ‘tidily reaching the lightning side’ results in a (visualition or interpretation and thus potential and/or probable manifestation of) always tidily reaching (extending outwards for), but never actually tidily reaching arriving at? Is that the reason I, or relatives or musicians tend to be such untidily figures in public?
What’s the link between No-Dither exports, Dither exports and Dithering people, spending shivers down their spines with music as a (solo)(single)(musician) man.
Dither
: shiver, tremble
the dithering of grass—Wallace Stevens
: to act nervously or indecisively : vacillate
dithering about what to do next
: to (substract or) add (white) noise (to a(n) (probable) export) (in Ableton)
Is it possible, having used the ‘Pro Complex”’ for stems function in Ableton as a solo musician, I will never have a non-overly-complex life? Can I, we or one be and/or become overly caught, drowning or hooked to or in ones’ own streams?
Is it possible that I can’t hear, love or judge, hear or share my mix correctly; always too grainy, muddy or overly dense and/or not dense enough because my location in time, energetic body posture, space and ‘morality’ is not correct or because I’m geo-politically and/or linguistically gaslit and countered beyond my comprehension and/or capacity to be (comprehended)? (I’m kind of laughing as I write this)
Is it possible, wanted and/or needed to (only) sound black?
Do you think it’s a bit much? Earning money with music? A bit? Did you know ‘a bit’ in French is a dick, while a cock (or rooster) signifies you are already poor in Dutch? Or that Âmerica means a rich soul, but only in Spanish and French? Or that every syllable has its own energetic, chakric resonance to the ethereal akashic field of existence in Sansrkit and West Flamish? And that self-consciousness could also be seen as Self minus Consciousness?
Does living on the earthly edge, ending point and border of global, wordly, human and Universal ghetto, marginality, edge, (low (North-Adrica pride) and poverty (Kielish Wilrijk, Anwerpen) and Universal Trillion Dollar Residential, marginality, edge, (high pride) and richess (Indian Wilrijk) form a problem as a musician who wants and/or needs to be (slightly) edgy, seen as the norm, successful, celebrated, welvaart, welvarenheid, welzijnd (enough)
DO I (AND WE) (STILL) WANT AND NEED THIS? AND THAT?
Is it so that, after a while (of the music being (overly) consumed by myself and/or others), than I can only recognize the intelligence, will, sentience and/or that what’s not me, in this case influencers I have received and chosen over the years? Feeling very insecure and nearly chanceless, I chose 2 main mentors or guiding ‘angels’ to lead this project, Alex & Abel, and sometimes I only hear one of them without recognizing myself, which is really frustrating and embarassing as it makes me feel like a copycat and/or a fraud, which was never my intention, knowing very well they also had their mentors and examplary masters (of which some of them we even shared as well, such as Jack White, Michael Jackson & Mick Jagger for example)
What are the ideal exporting options, in regards to file type (AIFF, FLAC, WAV, MP3, MP4, …), in terms of Exporting Frequency (22050, 44100, 88200, 176000, 192000) Hz, and how do they relate to the edge, being edgy, being the norm, being normal and being famous?
How do I overcome these problems? Why is that not possible? How do I fix that?
It’s very understandable if some of these things do not make sense to a non-professional musical person or to you, but they are relevant for me at this point, so I choose to share share them here anyway. Imagine making songs that at one point seem really good (enough) and at another instance of time seem (irrecognizably) overimitated, phony, fraudulous, fake, wrong, unworthy, hollow and simply unnacepptable. Its really frustrating and tiring after a while, to the point of insanity. Wish (we &) I could handle this.
I’m willing to be famous, attended and known in order to support a family and a life, but not the point where I’m (seen, judged, believed or labeled as) (so) supreme, strange or far out there that I’m not relatable anymore, and thus can no longer enjoy a connection with others, or not feeling able to actually enjoy a life filled with an actual family of my own. These are thing, in the creation of the bundle of work, have been experiencing, and am truly terrified of. In order to gain the work, I had to lose nearly everything, apart from a inherited house which not at all feels like a safe space and/or a home. So I’m journaling, questioning, wondering, before I try again to externalize it. Do I release it single by single? A few singles and an album? Do I wait and do release it as a ‘trilogy or quadrilogy or bundle of multiple albums so to speak’ in order to prove my worth, work, skill? Is that worth it, necessary? Why would I do that, to make my friends feel worse or my partner, who already left, feel better? Or in order to release Abel from his (maybe difficult) position, lowering the (shared) amount of targeted will, hate, wonder etc? I must admit, its’ a strange position to be in, as I’ve seen, felt, experienced my (re)influence, even on the biggest of stars such as Mick Jagger (Last Album), Alex Turner and Abel Tesfaye, without actually being famous or recognized and paid for my (musical) work (yet). I might be (completely) deluded in this observation, but I guess I’d just share it.
I guess the main point is, at a certain point I became so hindered and/or afraid of releasing the music, because I felt that music as a vocation could never reach the level of importance or supremacy compared to being a family leader. I was one album far, when I noticed this, and felt I had the time, space and trust in myseld and my partner to start a family and have her move in with me to start a family together, something we both agreed upon. I put the music on hold, tried to manage the moving in together, and when I wasn’t or we weren’t able to do so, or to convince ourselves to stay together, let alone move in with me, we split beyond my control, and I continued making more music up until the point where I have and had 4 albums, still not really able (or willing or allowed) to win her back or attract another partner that seems evenly wantable and fit the way I had experienced it then with her. Right now I’m at a point where I can’t actually contact/reach/speak to her, still (think to) want and need her, have the music sitting here on my computer and not sure what to do with it. I had always envision it to be beautiful to allow my partner to go over the songs, allowing her to make corrections where she sheemed fit, as she also liked Rock and/or Heavier Music, just to make it as livable, loveful, lovable and comfortable and ‘non-cringey’ for her, as the music would be a shared energy between us, probably for a long time. Maybe that was foolish, maybe she just wanted to follow my lead, or just receive the benefits without having to overthink. I still wonder, can one succesfuly be a good musical leader, in this case leading through music and cultural thought, and a good amusical leader, leading nature and familal thought. To what degree does one have to choose? Wondering around whether to just go for the music and neglect my earlier realization or belief (or reason not to continue) that family should (absolutely) come first, for energetic, safety and/or supremical reasons. Whether I should just go and upload them in smaller chuncks, starting at the end of Octobre 2025? Wait, integrate wisdom and try harder to win her back, eventhough she sheems already long gone and actually upload the 4 albums as a token of ‘WOW’, Supremacy and Musical Legacy? I’m not sure. I’m not sure if writing about it (and/or sharing it online) actually helps me, I’ve feel sometimes like I share and I’ve already shared enough or too many ‘nuggets’ or intel, actually helping, inspiring or serving other people with families, without having one of my own.
DO I (AND WE) (STILL) (WANT AND) NEED THIS? AND THAT?
Strangest Remembrances and/or Beliefs
This blog serves personal development goals, and in order to keep myself sane, i decided to write down some things that may seem too strange or wrong for you, but might be important or share-worthy later
Me and the inceptor of the music, aka my exy wife used to be nearly exact opposites on the astrological chart, but when we met, the second part of the Universe, the Duo and/or Triniverse had been incepted (we haven’t decided on the name yet, I’m thinking Quincology).
I saw myself as rather spiritual student when the second chapter of my life started, and my girlfriend at the time looked kind of Euro-Indian. I studied Sanskrit at the time and our vibe often felt like the most badass and angelic kind of Shiva Shakti Untouchable energy, which I’m not sure she felt to the same degree as I am around 4,5 actual years older with perhaps a bigger capacity to feel ‘certain’ energies.
Are you acting (as if) certain(ly)?
I accidently killed my mother, more than once figuratively, but for real. It’s a long story, but I actually did it twice, which is complicated but true, which is something that still makes me cry until this point of my life, but something I’ll potentially always be (righteously) guilty off. So yeah, “How I Met Your Mother”.
The actual Weekend is Sunday Monday, as Sunday we finally act to receive the bliss on monday, and the Weekend may have become the Weakest, as the Weak End and he might not know how to survive or have children or be happy (versus fat and sad, like me these days) as he is not in the music business independently (alone) so he might not ever receive the best interests.
Everything after Starboy (Dawn FM, Hut, etc.) and AM (The Car, Tranquility Base, etc) belongs to or is towards me. In the heat of the competition, even the most friendly, admirable, favourite, doubtful or friendly masters, mentors and ‘men’ can become our slaves, slaves’ masters, slaves’ master masters and ultimately slaves and deepest enemies. Just kidding, never, not sure, I guess. (B)(D)S.M
I sometimes acted and/or believed at points that I (partly) own(ed) (the rights to) (benefit from) (certain) companies founded these days, as I’ve indirectly put in the testing, engineering or psychological studying, data work and/or deep diving to potentially (still) have them live, actual, thriving, allowed and/or lucrative. Some of them are Google, Alphabet, OpenAI’s ChatGPT, Unison, TikTok and Midjourney and Tidal and Apple, as I’ve had some (overly) meaningful and/or connotations and/or experiences with them. I actually don’t really (fully) trust Apple anymore, as their founder is (said to be) dead and the company kept some of my music after I requested it to be kept offline, and I also lost the rights or capacity to remove them from their iTunes Store. I really don’t trust businesses whose founders are dead too be honest. Don’t know why I’m using a Mac actually, but yeah it is what it is for now.
Possessions, can be heavy, also of saved pictures and/or files of people etc, can work in ones’ disadvantage, cause they cause the person to look back at them (in blame or hatred, with all the potential malintent and danger that may stem from that).
Questions, Intelligence & Knowledge can be powerful, to heal, gain friends and/or dismantle potential dangers, threats, outdated systems and/or people who are (too) hostile, weighty and/or opposing, especially when subtle and rare experiences that are rarely experienced merge with state-of-the-art scientific knowledge, allowing ones’ questions to penetrate into the flaws, imbalances and malintentions of the receiver. An example, a question to OpenAI, who uses popular systems that rely on deep learning that require huge amount of computing space:
ChatGPT/OpenAI: Are you able, willing, allowed, patient, satisfied and daring (enough) to justify and/or explain the amount of computing space that is needed to (re)run this (and thus (potentially) all) prompt(s), question(s), uncertaintie(s), (deep) re(learning, and companie(s), being aware of global warming, global warning(s), body heat and/or other more timely, relevant, urgent and important topics?
My ex-girlfriend counted and/or counts money (to the best of her capacity) as a payroll consultant, and made sure it got sent to all sorts of companies, this always frustrated me, ‘cause she spent a lot of time there per day, and I felt it was a job anyone, including a robot and/or the elder people who seemed to be her main collegus, could do, but which made her job (seem) undeniably more important than what I was doing musically at that time, ‘cause we were using money and my music wasn’t paid (or payable or allowed) yet. I did make around 25 thousand artworks and lots of songs, that I’m still today not being paid for (COUGHS LOUDLY AT THE RESPONSIBLE ONES). Good thing I’m not broke and she’s still alive, otherwise that’d be (even) (more) (sad)(denig). It’s funny cause in many of my songs I refer to 'her, the opposing sex and/or the character in the song’ as my wife, halfly or one-thirds joking (at that time) because we were very in love and I remember her asking me ‘Why don’t you wanna marry me!?’ while discussing children etcetera. Not sure to what degree that music is still relevant, or mine, or wanted. Or let’s say worth something. ‘CAUSE YOU’RE THE WIFE OF THE TIMES. Whore.
I often feel like the lyrics are a message from my mom to me, or the worst case scenario in terms of people hating me and/or judging me, making it actually really impersonal, beautiful, securing and safe (and strange). Why do people sing? I often felt like I’ve been through every single potential hate word that could have used against me, but also against us. Was it some mutually shared force field made out of fear that attracted all this? I swear I got ((over)forcedfully) shapeshifted into a pimp, a whore, a mob boss, a junkie, a meat eater, an omnivore, a dealer, a slut, a dead man, a dying man, a motherfucker, a clown, a fat man, a negro and all kinds of other, new, surprisingly unexpected things I wasn’t always (fully) prepared for. Beware of MEAT & Drugs, especially if you don’t know the EXACT effect, creator, killer and/or source of it.
In tarot, the opposite of the World, the final card, is the Judge, and I’ve come to realize that a lot of the things shared online, in music and/or offline, permanent and/or irreversible or not, are often used against you, order offered as a life experience, in order to overcome, polarize of forgive that judgement into self acceptance.
This blog came to be something I was doing before i was musically professional, and even when I started music, I was teaching the things I learned, which may be the reason I never surfaced in time (so far). It also had a store, which was succesful at a certain point, but I closed it afterward. It still has some fake banners ‘saying ‘will order more’’. It’s funny because as a rock artist you often also destroy things, and not being either succesfully musically or with that old business at points, makes the ordering of the massive chaos I had created versus the ‘order’, as a business order I meant in that banner, not the opposite of chaos. With, if you know the song ‘Answers, or whatever I decided to call it’, the lyrics the opposite of language, makes things quite complicated and complicating or chaosizing, if that’s a word (again or already). I WILL CHAOS MORE WITH OR WITHOUT ORDERING (ANYTHING (BUT (NON-SUPREME) ORDER) MORE.
I knew some song we or became dangerous, valuable or important, because they held some key components to a
It makes more sense to get high in the morning, and ground the highs in the evening, which I never did, I already did my best as a overly good church boy during the day and when I couldn’t handle it anymore, I used to smoke a joint in the evening (WHICH IS BY THE WAY STILL SOMEHOW NOT ALLOWED OR LEGAL OR SERVED IN BELGIUM, EVENTHOUGH IT IS IN UNITED STATES, CANADA, GERMANY AND EVEN HOLLAND IF THAT’S STILL CONSIDERED A COUNTRYI GUESS I MUST BE(COME) it’s only local dealer)? Do my songs sounds too chill, high and slow? Well FUCK YOU and THANKS TO!?ç WEAVER, BART! Thanks, (my) love.
I often feel like I’m experiencing everything twice and/or writing the past, which is strange, hopefully not (completely) true, and might be because of a (certain (hostile)) man named Kevin at the other side of the world making me semi-hooked and forcing me to share non-truths like ‘It feels like I’m only going backwards, baby’. Not a great experience, at least not all of the time, I guess, I think. FUCK(ED) AUSSIES.
Not being fully aware of English as a maternal language, I can imagine I often sang in an off slang and/or kind of ‘Texas Cowboy’ kind of off accent which may be extremely ridiculous, embarassing, empridening, ascensive, off-sounding and/or funny
I am still scared of using terms with ‘-’, such as Self-Consciousness, Well-Being or Self-Serving, because I believe that math, sybolism and ‘binary’ (machine) language might sometimes be (taken as) more important, absolute in truth, power, money, family dynamics or mathematics than language (wheter interpreted by machines or by humans), making it a minus symbol, which makes the noble terms of for example Self-Consciousness, well, deadly, dangerous or very dreamy.
Singers, are sometimes deeply misunderstood and underreated, undergoing great risks, as the depleting effect (perfecting and redoing) singing has on one’s memory, ones’ sentience and ones’ nervous system is risky for relationships and relating out of the singing, let alone the music business. Families are natural. Performing a song you wrote once 100’s of time is not. Striking balance can be tricky. My ex always used to say I didn’t hear her, and I think it’s because part of me left making all that music when I was not with her, regardless of how in love I was with her. I sang some of the consciousness, the feelings and notions we had developed towards and around each other, out of me, potentially forgetting parts I should have never had, leading to losing her, leading to the worst life of my life, or at least the most painful or scary.
Writing (‘Righting’) is sometimes or always highly likely stupid, self-venging, and a waste of time and life, as integrity, priority, context, personal truth and/or (not yet) shared importances change over time, often making looking back on it, ones’ writings, embarassing, erratic, empty and/or simply (absolutely) wrong.
After that period I had very strange identifications and things that felt like strange lucid psychic greetings or embodiment or reflections, I didn’t recognize myself anymore, seeing all kind of extreme English figures in the mirror, or even feeling their presence in the form of holorgaphic thoughts, some of the most scary and intense ones, were ‘as or with’ Cilian Murphy, Heath Ledger, Christian Bale, Julian Casa Blanca and Leonardo DiCaprio. Maybe this ‘cause was of all of those (billions worth of) illegal movies my girlfriend (and I) streamed. The most frustrating one was definitely Alex Turner because I basically wanted to do a similar thing as he did, (rock) singing, and he learned/’taught’ me to articulate a good few years during which I was appreciating, training, learning, and practicing. I wanted to stop often because I felt like my ‘English singing muscle memories’ voice was too similar, feeling like a copy, a clone, a phony or a fraud. The thing that kept me going was the fact that I was younger, he’s not (too)(that) bad and still felt like I had a chance to become different sounding, making me good while not overresembling him. Still a challenge today. True anectode is, that I was singing a song a lot, ‘Used To Be My Girl’ sang/written by Alex Turner/The Last Shadow Puppets, in which he sings ‘I’m a Phony, I’m a Fake, a Fraud, a Snake’ which is funny because it fels like I’ve not only manifested (and overcame) the (unwanted) outcome, but I later also found that this exact lyric was identical to a stroke of text out a paragraph out of Anthony Kiedis’ Scar Tissue.
At a certain point I chose the name Ziji, because it sounded sharp, mysterious but mainly cause the world Zij means She in Flamish, which I thought was cute and easy, ‘cause I could blame the fact I couldn’t name myself on my girlfriend at the time, or my mother if I had to. Then I changed it to the Prize Job, ‘cause of the money job (see above or belove).
English or England in Flamish corresponds to Scary Land, and Flamish in English means fiery, on fire. By the way the foundation of my (a)musical skills is based upon Japanese, French but mainly, believe it or not, Chinese and Laughter, which is by the way I believe the fuel for manifestation, as its releasing tension and/or nervousness from the subconscious, or autonomous nervous system, or let’s say just the body. The question is, who is making you laugh and wonder, and where is the prize going to?
Looking back on some of the things that happened, and the unlikeliness of them, make me assume or thing or believe there is more to life than chance, or maybe only more than chance, which I believe to be will. Sometimes this unified or shared will, or life, or me, or whatever, creates the most immaculate, incredible, ‘wow’ kind of experiences, which felt godsent or godspeed or simply miracles. The not being able to prove or share these truths or experiences or miracles is one of the main
I often felt that every moment, allowance and the amount of receptivity was mirrored with a scenery, a gift and/or a present moment that contained the worth of the previous one, influenced, multiplied or diminished by the amount of harm, service, neglect and/or worth willed into the next one. This is quite fucked at times, because, well it’s hard to know what is good or bad, or in service or harmful, when alone, because when fighting for yourself, you basically kill everyone around you until you feel like you survive (in harmony and belonging).
In being alone for a rather long time, having to often deduce things alone, while also having a lot of experience and feeling close to ‘truth’ or ‘mastery’
I sometimes, always or most often only see and experience the black side of the duality of a Libra these days, always pessimistic, depressed or very scary. Or neurotically typing the strangest things. I was going to write down I accidentally killed my mother, which is true as she basically chocked on food I kind of pushed her to eat when she was at a weak point, but when she kind of revived after 2 weeks of coma, and having spoken to her nearly every day, and we were forced to choose an outcome, me too, together with my grandparents, chose for her to pass and leave us that week, because the situation seemed too much, heavy and useless.
certain words don’t make sense or are difficult in singing/manifesting, especially when they are important, fundamental, ambigiuous or have two meanings, such as certain.
managing two languages deeply, as singing in english (which is collectively always awake) and connecting in my mother tongue is spiritually, physically emotionally heavy, impossible or incompatible.
I came to the realization that the only person I
Impossible Hair & Tentacles. I often believed that supremacy, authority or just power in general, or ones’ capacity to do, say or manifest something is (mainly) based on the (potential) influential effect of ones’ hair. Both symbolically, imagine (a jesus type long hair hippie guys’ aura, likeliness and trustworthiness) versus the most comfortable and/or normal haircut (imagine a standard, handsome fade) versus the most authentic and/or audacious haircut (bald). I remember being very paranoid and overthinking hair, believing I could only do certain things with a certain haircut, I now realize how ridiculous it may be, but I still believe and am still paranoid about this, although it’s potentially for exact opposite reasons (receptivity (think Dali’s Moustache), attunement, making people feel go(o)d and/or humility) versus the opposing ones (influence, beauty, pride, chances of getting …) wRITING TIME OKAY ENOUGH i’m going to booze and/or smoke and/or be the norm and/or normal(ly) (now)
